little mice

all of you will be grossed out by this, but it's so normal to me that i have stopped caring: we have mice in our flat. you may have known this. we actually did kill one. with a glue trap. and that's when we learned that there was more than one. the other night i was sitting on the couch - quietly - and one actually RAN ACROSS THE FLOOR TOWARDS ME. i gasped and it ran away. which got me thinking.....how often do the mice party uninterrupted in our flat? out in the open? while we sleep? while we work? how many of my things have they crawled upon? which led to this thought: it's time to move back to a house that has no mice. and a dad to kill the ones that do dare to enter our private domain. ha.

i need a cat. a vicious, killer cat.

but for now, it's fine. it is what it is. that phrase, the one i just typed out, "it is what it is" is one that i feel i use rather often. it's part of this characteristic i'm trying to cultivate called long-suffering. of course, this does not mean not standing up for yourself, not questioning authority or even making excuses for why life has not turned out the way that you wished it would. it simply means that sometimes there's nothing you can do. so you just shrug and say, "i'll deal." the mice? i've dealt. and soon i will move and that will be that.

so....moving. always traumatic. and for people like me and like sarah, it is sometimes rough. we are "in the moment" people. so we feel things intensely as they happen. it also means that sometimes we're fine. like tonight. we felt great. we sat around and drank wine and thought about sarah's closet being empty and her tea mug being packed away and we felt ok about it. funny, since we're both having a hard time.

and yet we're not. did i tell you? i have a job this summer? helping run my summer camp. with some of my favorite people in the whole of the world. look at me! using my leadership skills and singing for kiddos.

here's another new thought: i've started calling myself a woman. and my girlfriends women. and the guys are men these days. are we so far along? probably not (say the parents in their heads). but maybe we are. i am paying taxes. and rent. and buying groceries. and planning trips. and getting my own jobs. so strange. but it's all natural, right? it's all part of the process. and no one will grudge me the process. that's my prerogative. days go by whether or not i will them to. and i'm growing up. and deciding what that means for me. and while i might be a baby adult, an adult i'm turning out to be. what kind of adult? a very specific, performing, laughing, tea-drinking, slightly immature and needy, independent womanly single adult.

leaving london. it's healthy. time to leave the comfort zone. i can't move forward from here. so i'm going back. not backwards. always forward. but back to portland. for awhile. back to tilikum. :)

leaving the mice. and the really good, reasonably priced gruyere cheese. :( but also leaving this life that i've built on my own from so very little. it's an accomplishment. i don't think i'll realize or experience all the benefits of it right away. but it was the right thing to do. i'm proud of myself.