The Road Home

The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say.

I did that from memory. :) It's my favorite poem. And what I love best about it is that Tolkien puts two versions of it into his books. And he only changes one word - "eager" to "weary." Read it again.

The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with weary feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say.

It's different, isn't it? Completely changed. This is always my poem. Sometimes it's one version. And sometimes it's the other. Today it might be both.

I'm tired. Physically, I'm home. I've been sleeping through the nights and today I went to the library and picked up tax forms. Mentally and emotionally though, I think I'm still making my way across the Atlantic. Having Sarah home next Monday will help a lot. Going to the beach yesterday was good. I drove to the beach by myself and screamed all the way through the Tilimook State Forest. How is that place possible?? The beauty of it overwhelmed me. More than St Peter's Basilica in Roma. That's nothing. Nothing compared to the misty trees, those deep wooded hills and the light snow falling on the road. That was epic. That was majesty. That was grandeur. And it's in my state. It's practically in my backyard.

I said I was tired. And I am. I'm already realizing how much more complicated my life here is than what I had in Fulham. Not in a bad way. Just in a people way. There are a lot of people here. People that I love and I loved seeing at Kyle's wedding. If you're reading this and you were there, I hope I communicated how glad I was to see you. If not, please hear it now - I was very glad to see you and I so appreciated your support for our family. We needed it and we were happy to have you there. Even though it was kind of weird to have all of our worlds collide. :)

So I'm home. And the travels are over for now. But the Road goes ever on. That capital R "Road." Sometimes my feet are eager and sometimes they're weary. But they're always moving.

It's a dangerous business, going out of your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to.

travelin' through

Yesterday Sarah and I rolled into Salzburg on the train and it was not raining. Which was an immediate point in favor of us liking this city. The next few hundred points were delivered emphatically by the beautiful mountains surrounding us on every side. A point or two was taken away for the smoke filling every cafe we wanted to sit it, but overall, we are happy happy happy. I can't help but love a place that puts me within arms' reach of towering peaks and snow-covered hills. Gosh, this place is stunning.

Today we went on "The Sound of Music" tour. That's right. And it was such a good decision. Not least because now I can watch that movie and say, "I've been there! and there! and there! and there!" And probably only you - Daddy - would be able to sit through three hours of me doing that. :) But mostly because it took us out into the lake district which was lovely. And we never would have been able to get out there on our own.

By the way, did you know that Mozart was born here? Because you couldn't walk through Salzburg and stay oblivious to that fact for more than a few minutes. Mozart-worship is everywhere. I like the man well enough, but give me some Mahler and I'll forget Moz-something ever existed. Sacriligious, I know. But I was never a conventional music major.

We just came from Vienna and we have no idea what the city looked like. The wind and rain were so fierce that all we saw was the pavement and the insides of buildings. Can I just say - if I ever have to look at a rendering of the Madonna and Child again, I'm going to hurl. Or Dead Jesus in His mother's arms. I miss Impressionism...

In Vienna, however, we got to go to the symphony. And that lived up to every expectation we had. Debussy, Ravel and some other composer named Zemlinsky. It was gorgeous. Just absolutely divine. The opera, on the other hand, we left at intermission. "What a great experience," we said to one another. "Thank you for not wanting to stay."

Before Vienna was Vernazza in Cinque Terra on the coast of Italy. You'll have to ask me individually about all these places or this update will never end, but this village was classic little Italy. We loved it. We didn't enjoy Firenze as much. It was rainy and grey, but also, we'd just come from glorious Roma, which had completely stolen our hearts and our ability to immediately appreciate any other city. It was sunny there! Sunny and ancient and orange!

So yes. That is the traveling update. After Salzburg is Munich and then Amsterdam, Bruges, and for me - London and home! How quickly the time has gone. I'm anxious to be home, even while being present in the traveling moments - drinking in my surroundings, trying not to inhale too much cigarette smoke, drying out my boots each night, and dreaming of the tea pot which waits for me in Portland.

little mice

all of you will be grossed out by this, but it's so normal to me that i have stopped caring: we have mice in our flat. you may have known this. we actually did kill one. with a glue trap. and that's when we learned that there was more than one. the other night i was sitting on the couch - quietly - and one actually RAN ACROSS THE FLOOR TOWARDS ME. i gasped and it ran away. which got me thinking.....how often do the mice party uninterrupted in our flat? out in the open? while we sleep? while we work? how many of my things have they crawled upon? which led to this thought: it's time to move back to a house that has no mice. and a dad to kill the ones that do dare to enter our private domain. ha.

i need a cat. a vicious, killer cat.

but for now, it's fine. it is what it is. that phrase, the one i just typed out, "it is what it is" is one that i feel i use rather often. it's part of this characteristic i'm trying to cultivate called long-suffering. of course, this does not mean not standing up for yourself, not questioning authority or even making excuses for why life has not turned out the way that you wished it would. it simply means that sometimes there's nothing you can do. so you just shrug and say, "i'll deal." the mice? i've dealt. and soon i will move and that will be that.

so....moving. always traumatic. and for people like me and like sarah, it is sometimes rough. we are "in the moment" people. so we feel things intensely as they happen. it also means that sometimes we're fine. like tonight. we felt great. we sat around and drank wine and thought about sarah's closet being empty and her tea mug being packed away and we felt ok about it. funny, since we're both having a hard time.

and yet we're not. did i tell you? i have a job this summer? helping run my summer camp. with some of my favorite people in the whole of the world. look at me! using my leadership skills and singing for kiddos.

here's another new thought: i've started calling myself a woman. and my girlfriends women. and the guys are men these days. are we so far along? probably not (say the parents in their heads). but maybe we are. i am paying taxes. and rent. and buying groceries. and planning trips. and getting my own jobs. so strange. but it's all natural, right? it's all part of the process. and no one will grudge me the process. that's my prerogative. days go by whether or not i will them to. and i'm growing up. and deciding what that means for me. and while i might be a baby adult, an adult i'm turning out to be. what kind of adult? a very specific, performing, laughing, tea-drinking, slightly immature and needy, independent womanly single adult.

leaving london. it's healthy. time to leave the comfort zone. i can't move forward from here. so i'm going back. not backwards. always forward. but back to portland. for awhile. back to tilikum. :)

leaving the mice. and the really good, reasonably priced gruyere cheese. :( but also leaving this life that i've built on my own from so very little. it's an accomplishment. i don't think i'll realize or experience all the benefits of it right away. but it was the right thing to do. i'm proud of myself.

pense pense pense

that is winnie the pooh, for those of you who don't know. in french he is "winnie l'ourson" which means "winnie teddy." and instead of "think, think, think" he says "pense pense pense." i like taking french words and then anglicizing them. for example, "i was pensing the other day..." it's very descriptive of how i am most of the time. just living, traveling and pensing.

since you last heard from me i have been to newquay, edinburgh, york and cardiff. and three of them were beautiful and wonderful. cardiff was a dud. but more on that later.

newquay - the cliffs at the coast. sunshine, new shoes. the ocean. breathing and being. i climbed on a lot of cliffs that new year's weekend. and i sat and breathed in non-city air and watched surfers and listened to non-city sounds and it was good.

edinburgh - i wrote to a friend of mine: "while i loved the city of edinburgh, with its cobblestone, its castle and its 'closes' or alleyways, what i loved most was the high beautiful hill and the strong feel of the earth beneath my boots as i scrambled up the steep slopes and came upon hidden hollows on my way to the edge of the cliff." i hiked that hill twice, once to watch the sunrise and run about with my arms out, catching the scottish wind with my body. it was wild. and then i went and sat in the coffee house where harry potter was born and drank strong coffee and wrote. check out the pictures on the website. they are epic. once you see them you will understand why i visited that coffee house four times in three days - www.elephanthouse.biz

it was truly delightful. mmm....scotland.

next up: york! there is one place in york where you can stand and look about and see seven different buildings built in seven different centuries - 3rd and 4th, 13th and 14th, 18th, 19th, and 20th. it's ridiculous. there's a medieval wall running almost uninterrupted around the entire city and chunks of roman walls left as well. oldness seeps out the ground there. it's thoroughly haunted. :) and i went to an evensong service in the massive "minster". oh choirs....magic.

cardiff. hmm...what to say? basically cardiff (wales) was a big fat nothing. cardiff was ugly, uninteresting, dodgy and full of teenagers purposelessly wandering the streets in packs of similarly dressed friends. i hated it. that's a little extreme. but literally the only redeeming thing about the weekend was the four wonderful phone talks i had with four wonderful friends when i ended up back in my hostel at 6.30 that night with no plans to venture forth again until late the next morning.

and now i'm home with a head cold and a pocketful of cold-eze. london has made me sicker than i've ever been. it is truly stupid. but besides that i'm really really happy. i love the people in my life - here and at home. my journal is filling up with thoughts and my heart is filling up with psalms. i just learned how to write my name in chinese and my roommate made cookies. it snowed tonight and my church continues to be wonderful and beautiful and i am a good waitress.

good good things.

Bitten by the Travel Bug

well, it's happened. i went to paris. and then i bought some colored pencils and markers and made myself a calendar of the time that i have left here. and it looked quite empty. so i booked myself a solo trip to edinburgh. and it still looked blank. so i decided to book a visit to wales as well. and now i'm on a roll. sarah and i are going to newquay this weekend and to bath in early february and i think i want to see york and some of ireland while i'm here. can i be in england and never pop over to ireland?? i think not.

now, let me break it down for you:

1. paris. oh paris. paris was sarah's and my reward to ourselves for surviving our first christmas without our families. we took the train through the chunnel and settled into our "perfectly adequate" hotel before setting out to see the sights. several things that we immediately noticed - paris is FREEZING and also, paris is dirty. we have a joke that the people in london must eat their rubbish, since the streets are spotless and yet it is impossible to find a litter bin in the tube. literally impossible. they do not exist. in paris there are bags for trash everywhere and yet the city is so much dirtier than london.....they obviously do not eat their trash. :)

2. the weather in paris was gorgeous. sunny and beautiful. we walked along the seine for quite a ways on saturday on our way to the eiffel tower and just soaked in the city. sarah is petrified of heights and yet actually made herself take the stairs all the way to the second level! we saw notre dame, sacré coeur, the latin quarter, and the 2nd best bookstore in the world (after Powells) - Shakespeare & Co. and i got to speak french all weekend long. it was glorious. i love that language. i love speaking it and i love having it around me. i was really happy. :)

3. thankfully, sarah and i discovered that we travel really well together. and we share a mutual love for trains. something that we will indulge for a total of ten hours journeying to newquay and back this weekend.

4. pictures! for those with a love of the visual:




next up! newquay! this weekend sarah and i are jumping on the train for a looooong ride to the england of rolling pastures, stone fences, sheep, grey rain and the seaside. it will be beautiful and relaxing and will give us lots of time to read, journal, and be. it sounds absolutely lovely. prosy, if you will. :)

now to explain my calendar: when i was in switzerland, i drew a calendar of my last month (january), taped it to my closet door and marked off each day. it had two purposes for me - one, it was a countdown until i got to go home and two, it reminded me that i didn't have much time left to be in beautiful switzerland. so, i did that again with january and february. the only problem was, once i made them, they looked awfully blank. so i decided to carpe diem and go somewhere that i really wanted to visit. and here's what happened:

1. i booked myself an overnight bus to edinburgh on the 16th of january and coming back on monday the 19th. i'm so excited to walk the royal mile, lounge about the cafe where jk rowling started writing harry potter, visit the castle and ramble around the streets.

2. then today i booked myself a two day weekend in cardiff, wales. it's supposedly really beautiful there.

3. next on the list is a day trip to bath with sarah and possibly another friend. i'd love to visit york and IRELAND! i really hope those work out too.

i just don't want to go home and realize that i was so close to these places and yet never made the effort to see them. i want to explore and discover and learn and browse about at my own speed. traveling alone sounds more exciting and fulfilling the longer i think about it. :)

4. last but not least, today i found, for a mere five pounds, the book "Europe on a Budget." mmm....i'm deliciously happy.

footnote: this summer i read several books about women traveling solo and it's making me really happy to think that that's going to be me soon. it's funny, one of the reasons i told people that i chose london was that it would be so easy to travel from. and yet! i've hardly gone anywhere! but i think making that calendar was a wake-up call. and i am wide-awake. there's no stopping me now. :)

for my brother

who wonders why i haven't posted in forever. :) hi.

Mom just left yesterday and I'm in the middle of transitioning back into "away" mode. Moms bring home with them. and so do Luginbills (the friends that were in town over Thanksgiving weekend). so now that they're gone I'm re-shifting to being in London with just me and Sarah. London hasn't been just me and Sarah for quite some time now and honestly, it's nice to simplify things again.

Christmas!! I'm such a Christmas girl. and London is such a Christmas town. which makes being in the holiday mood quite easy. There are lights everywhere and Christmas music in all of the shops. and Bing Crosby is currently telling me that "no matter where you're going, or where you've been, you're part of the family of man." I love that voice. :)

Work is going really well. Since Hayley left I've kind of been thrown into the lead waitress role. We've hired several new wait-staff, so I'm meeting more people and having to help orient them, which I really like doing. Oh Hardy's. I like it and I'll be glad to leave it. :) It's a daily paradox. I should not make waitressing my living. :) But you know? It's fine for now. And I am in a good place there.

So yeah. Having Mom here was so great. I got to be spoiled a little bit and show her my life and my city and my markets and I really liked that. Dad actually flew into town for just a few days and completely took me and Mom by surprise. You can imagine how pleased he was at success of his elaborate plan. Yay family! Anyway, Kyle, you should probably comment on my blog if you're going to complain about me not writing enough. And then I might write more often! Also, I love you a lot and I hope that school is going well. I'm sure I'll talk to you before too long.

And to everyone else - I miss you! But I'm wholeheartedly here. and I will continue to be here, living and breathing and tea-drinking, until it is time to pack up the tea and come home to live wholeheartedly there again. :)

I LIVE!!!

Right now Sarah and I are sitting at our kitchen table, listening to Rascal Flatts.  I just toasted myself a bagel with some lovely crumbly cheese and I think I'm going to heat another pot of tea in a moment.  Sarah's having a self-revelatory day, so she's journaling and we're chatting a little from time to time.  It is in short, a very prosy afternoon.  What is "prosy" you ask?  Well technically it means commonplace, everyday, even dull.  But I've re-defined it for myself.  

prosy:  a multi-purpose word meaning deliciously quiet, delightfully commonplace, or wonderfully ordinary.  ex: a fall day with a little gray rain and a little sunshine, a quiet stroll, or an evening in with tea and a friend or a book.

Isn't that nice?  Anyway, I realized that it's been a long time since some of you have heard from me and I wanted you to know that I'm still alive and well.  More than well.  I'm happy.  But there's not a lot to write about.  I'll show you what I mean - Here's a typical day:

7am - Sarah wakes up and I roll over and go back to sleep.

8:45am - I make myself wake up and get ready for work.  Yay cereal!

9:30am - I need to be out the door if I'm going to get to work on time.

travel time depends on whether or not there are delays on the Circle Line on the Tube.  When there are, I get very annoyed, especially if I am running late.  But if I'm not, I just sit back with my music and wait.  

10:30am - My lunch shift starts at work.  I help set up the restaurant, eat, chat with my co-workers and serve people food until 5:30pm.  If I'm working a double I get a break from 3:30pm till 5:30pm and then I do it all over again until about 11pm.

If I've only worked lunch then I travel home where Sarah's making dinner and we just have a quiet evening and then go to bed.  If I work a double then I catch the bus home and get to sleep around 1pm because I have to wind down for a little while.  I like those late nights where I'm the only one awake.  There's someone else near to me, but I can just browse the internet silently or chat with friends before I go to sleep.  

See?  Quiet.  Simple.  Prosy.  

That's not to say that there aren't crazy, unexpected, frustrating, hilarious, ridiculous moments that fill up my week-days.  Because there are.  And I love it.  I like being here.  I like being simple.  I like Sarah and I like London.  But I miss people in the States, so I'll come home in March.  Sound good? :)